Going Bonkers With Baubles, Berries
& Bells
by: Theolonius McTavish
Going Bonkers With Baubles, Berries & Bells --Or, Beware
of BlackBerries, Cellphones and Laptops!--
If state-of-the-art "wireless technology" has given
birth to such tawdry taskmasters as BlackBerries, cellphones
and laptops, the Universe has also seen to it that such man-made
devices would come packaged with an invisible, immutable,
and infernal operating system deity named, "Calamity,
Chaos & Confusion".
It seems that happiness today has been reduced to acquiring
newfangled gadgets, gizmos or gigagobblers that do absolutely
everything but clean the kitchen sink.
Speaking of scruffy sculleries, your best bet would be to
a visit your local "Tabernacle of Tetrachloride"
where you can request a private audience with the "Wizard
of Washbasins". Failing that, consult the "Diva
of Drudgery"* (who usually has all the quick and dirty
answers to the western world's most innocuous conundrums!)
Sadly, my days as a professional cherry-picker in Peach Bottom,
Virginia are over ...which brings me in a round about way
to my favorite comfort food ..."passion fruit".
Besides consuming far too many succulent seeds and passion
pits for my own good, I also enjoy the occasional shopping-spree
for trendy fruit of the loom drawers in the "Big Apple".
However, that doesnt leave me much spare time to pursue pleasure
unless you include such delightful diversions as a fruitless
game of tiddlywinks or a toe-wrestling tournament in the "Old
Country".
To those byte-inclined "Bluetooth" folk who can't
live without their BlackBerries, I say get a life! These gizmos
do not impress me in the least. For one thing these "robust"
packages of tutti-fruit technology are worth a king's ransom.
And for another, hanging them on your lapel makes you look
like a dork, or worse yet a loon. More to the point, unless
you enjoy low-impact digital workouts with your thumb and
index fingertake my humble advice, be a dweeb and forget about
them!
Celluar telephones, the smallest of these dastardly digital
devices, are a melodious menace to mankind. Besides making
their owners look divinely self-important in a world of wannabes
and winners, they also lurk surruptitiously about in the bottom
of pockets, packsacks, and purses offering melodrama at its
best for bystanders. And, as my dear Mum used to say, "anything
that vibrates, sings, and talks back when you least expect
it should be potty-trained".
So, to avoid being zapped by alien airwaves, I recommend
using "Semaphore". This low-tech communication method
is a lot cheaper and more fun than a bag of juicy-fruit bubble-gum.
After all, how many people do you know who carry around flags
all day long, flap their arms, and look a tad miffed when
cab-drivers interrupt their train of thought and terse text
messages?
As for "laptops", they seem to languish about every
prominent place under the sun. Have you ever noticed how they
invite unwanted attention from sticky-fingered sorts who can't
wait to abscond with them when you're responding to the call
of nature? Then of course there are curmudgeons like me who
think it's a waste of time to invent something that helps
nincompoops organize their recipes, play solitaire, or set
a trap for a wireless mouse.
Being from the old school, I was always taught that children
should be seen and not heard. Now if only that credo would
apply to all these modern communication tools, the world would
be an infinitely quieter place.
Just imagine a world without wireless windbags, wonky windows,
or wicked weirdoes fingering the fruit ...where we would all
be free to follow our bliss ...be it picking four-leaf clovers,
drawing dorky droodles, coloring outside the lines, or maybe
even tickling someone pink for a change!
About The Author
Theolonius McTavish is an analogue aardvark, amateur toe
wrestler and frequent flying carpet cardholder not to mention
an avid bystander at The Court of the Quipping Queen http://www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com
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